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Calamity Granny by Andrew Birbeck

I was the Virginian and you were Jesse James
But we could be many different cowboys, with many different names
I rode upon my broomstick horse, and galloped across the plains
We died well then you and I in our cowboy games

My deputy’s badge of steely grey, your outlaws’ hat of white
We knew we’d ride another day when our day turned into night
‘So Long Partner’, ‘Adios Dude’, we should have slept beneath the stars
But you moseyed off to your place and I swaggered back to ours

I’ll have coffee black Ma, and a whole mess o’ beans
Don’t be so silly she said, sit down and eat your greens
I pushed the veg around my plate; it wasn’t prairie fare
Cowboys don’t eat broccoli; but my Mum didn’t care

Hey heck woman, this damned stuff is muck
Is what I wanted to say, but her withering look
Made me think better of it, so I shovelled it down
Feeling less of a cowboy and more of a clown

But the very next morning when I woke from my slumber
Still wearing my Stetson, my colt 45 in my holster
Last night’s food was forgotten, I had a plan in my head
An ambush at breakfast, I’d fill you full of lead

I crept out of my house and around to your garden
Hid under the window just outside your kitchen
The door opened slowly, I was sure it was you
I took my colt from my holster; I knew what to do

Taking aim with my pistol as the door opened wider
I jumped into the doorway and emptied the chamber
Straight at your Granny who collapsed on the lino
She made a good baddie; she put on a great show

She lay moaning and groaning beneath all that laundry
I stood there frozen afraid she would kill me
Then from under the pants and a pair of corduroy trousers
Came a strange sort of giggle, that got louder and louder

You sat at the table, your mouth wide with wonder
Your Gran rolled about, her laugh louder than thunder
Then we cowboys broke down and we too started giggling
It was hard to be serious when your Granny was wriggling

The three of us guffawed and chortled and cried
Oh my God Gran, I thought you had died
You said as you hugged her and she wiped away tears
She said, I haven’t laughed like that for years

Then your Gran she too became part of our posse
She joined in most of our games; she sometimes got bossy
You can call me Calamity Granny, she’d say
Which all goes to prove, you’re never too old to play