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Here we are 18 and a half years later. When I saw that shy blond girl that August of ’98 I knew instantly that she was going to be the love of my life and that I would marry her. I didn’t know what life would bring us but I knew then that I wanted to be with that girl forever. I had been a wild child, running around for years, just doing whatever I wanted from night to night. And then all of a sudden, there wasn’t a night that went by for the next 7 years that I didn’t see her. For over seven years I was lucky enough to see her everyday. I was hard to love still, I did stupid things, but all I knew was if I had her, then my world would always be right. This woman gave me a confidence and a courage that was stronger than any drug on earth. When she was behind me supporting me, I honestly believed that there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t do. She made me who I am today. She respected me, she felt bad when I hurt, she trusted me to take care of her, and I failed. I don’t know how to say this so that she can understand, but I’ve said it a million times, but I just don’t think I’m very good with my words. No matter how bad things ever got for me, I didn’t worry like any other person would. Don’t get me wrong, I worried more than most, simply because of my gambler nature. But always knowing that this girl was going to be by my side til the end, it meant that I always had hope, because no matter what, if I lost it all, everything, that I would still have my girl, the love of my life. She and I always picked up where the other left off yet we have all the same things in common. I know most people would dream of that. As time went on, 3 beautiful kids, that have brought immense joy to our lives and they brought a whole new purpose for the two of us. Wow, I remember tears flowing down my face the day you and I were driving out of that Hospital parking lot. Snow on the ground, February, our first born riding in the back with you. I cried like that the moment I saw you walking down the aisle… Leaving the hospital, I have never driven so carefully in my life. We were scared to death. We were happy as can be for three days in that hospital and all of a sudden it hit both of us…We have to take this beautiful thing home…By ourselves. What I remember most about that, was the fact that no one else was there when we did that and it was something that I thought deeply bonded us, even though we were scared, I was so grateful to share that moment with you. A few houses and a few towns later, by this time we love each other, but we have slowly let our relationship become a sidecar to everything else. Life is funny like that, I said we loved each other, but we didn’t take time to have moments. We let little insecurities and doubts, fester into unspoken malice. The simple things, weren’t simple anymore. Complicated grew more complex. Over the years we both explain it away, like we’re wise beyond our years. We told ourselves that this is what our priorities are supposed to be, it’s best for the kids that their parents haven’t taken a date in over a year… This is where that moment that I thought I would have my girl forever, turns to taking her for granted. I worked more than I should, we wanted for more than we should have when we were young. From the outside in, people literally thought we had the perfect family and we did…but it’s broken. No worries, we can fix it, right, we’re two intelligent people, of course we will. Poison…False Hope…Something to numb my pain…You see, my poor girl, she just wanted the same thing that I wanted, our simple life back. But we didn’t speak of most things, except what ever pressing stressor that was the most urgent at the time. For the last 3 years I missed my girl, oh I missed her so much. To be misunderstood, confused, scared, and alone, and above all I needed my girl, now more than ever. But, like all the years before this, I never wanted her to feel the stress, pain, anguish that I had over the years. Just like all those years prior, I hid this poisonous problem. I had never failed before, I always was able to pull it out in the end. So why not this time? Don’t you know who I am? I’m the most determined man on earth. She used to always tell me, “you never quit do you, sometimes you need to learn when to quit”. It’s a blessing and a curse. On one hand the determination to see things through, on the other hand it’s killing me. She tried to help, in the beginning, I could tell she loved me, but there was something in her eyes, she no longer looked to me for the answers, respect gone… sigh. To her credit, she didn’t even know what kind of battle she was facing and neither did I. Bad decisions, total loss of priorities, out of control sickness, and fading efforts lead to…a decision. She made this decision you see. I don’t know what all was going through her mind, but I have to trust at the time, she clearly thought it was the best decision for her family. The Big “D” We both, I can guarantee you, that we both never thought that divorce would become a part of our love story. That decision cut me like a machete. The next three months of my life were like living in a prison of my own body. For those first seven years I seen and talked to her everyday. Well those three months, I didn’t get to see or talk to anyone in my family, my wife and kids have lost their dad, husband. Words can’t describe to be sick and so helpless at the same time. She filed for divorce and I even had a couple little vacations downtown, and I’m in love with her. I need her, I refuse to do anything, until I can reach her, I’ve never made a decision about myself. I can run a multimillion dollar company, but I can’t give myself the strength and courage that I grew up with that she gives me. In the end, the thing that I dreaded the most in the world…this decision she made, it saved my life. My health is the best it has been in 4-5 years. We still live each other, we don’t know how to unhurt people. I always tell people not to worry about things you can’t change. Problem is, we lose sight of the things that we can change. Forgiveness is the greatest equalizer. Every emotion on the other side of forgiveness will bring you down. That’s why forgiveness is so hard, it’s out numbered. There’s hate, jealousy, anger, retaliation, vengeance, selfishness, one-sided, and they’re just a few of the things that Forgiveness is up against. But, when you forgive, that’s the process to end the vicious cycle that is taking you down the path you’re on. It’s the hardest of all, but it’s a start. And for me, it’s easy, it’s hard when I see that others aren’t forgiving me. Time…I have been through an extraordinary amount of things in my life and in this past year. And here we are…on the cusp of coming to the end of an eight month campaign of divorce. She used to love it when I called her my bride, in a little while, I won’t be able to do that anymore…we would call each other every time we heard “It’s a great day to be alive” on the radio, because great things happened to us like that in the beginning. We were very young I think 22 and 21 and we applied for a mortgage and we were naive enough to think we could do it and that song came in the radio and shortly after that song played, the bank called after weeks of waiting—–You’re Approved. I miss the good mornings and the good nights and every call and text in between.

I thought our lives together would be timeless, and I still think that shy little blond is the most beautiful thing in the world and I’m going to miss her more than she will ever know, that I can guarantee.

She fixed me one last time before she left.

I Love You with every part of me