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Hello, first of all. Before I start, pardon my English. You can call me B. I’m from the Philippines, 22, Female. I’m writing this because I feel so depressed and alone. Depressed of what I become, what character that I built. If I can trade all my tomorrows with just one yesterday. Hahaha! Well in our life people have different kind of problems to deal with. But I think my problem is not that big, but for me it is. I don’t want to live anymore, I try to commit suicide but I was afraid of pain. Every time, everyday I wish I didn’t exist in this world. Why did I choose the path that it ruined my years while living here. Because when I was in elementary, I don’t feel like going to school, afraid of memorizing multiplication table, getting money to my mom’s purse, then in my high school same thing, low grades, joining gangs, cutting class, while my mother is working so hard to pay all my tuitions and everyday expenses. Then my college starts same thing, low grades, cutting class. I never made them proud. Until now. It’s like sickness that you cannot change. But they’re still there to support me, my mom enrolled me in a training program as a j1 student in Florida, Osceola as a culinary because she wants me to have a good experience and to see how America was, because I always brag her that I want to work and have a good life there. So as my program started in January 7,2016 it was my first time stepping to a dream country which Asians could ever wish for. I’m overwhelmed. People there are very nice also people there are new to my eyes because of different cultures and nationalities and the advancement of the technologies. I feel that I belong to that place because people are professionals and they value the laws, unlike here. And I’m receiving my stipend 10$ per hour, here in the Phil. When I was working I’m earning 10$ per day, overtime are charity. Plus the transportation to the city is hard because of the heavy traffic. But I realized that I need to be grateful from where I was born and raised because here in my country you can go to the hospital in a cheap cost, food, and housing(it depends) and the tax. But when I was there in America tax is expensive. And the place where we stay is we only ride uber and doesn’t have public transportation. Not unless I use my bike to go to work. So this is what happened to me when I was in America. Everything flows so well but there’s been an accident I cut my fingers with my knife at our apartment. Yet I was so confused and hurt. Because I don’t know what to do because the cut of my fingers was deep. So tried to aid it, and doesn’t want to go to work because I cannot perform well. But I prefer to go. My bestfriend were about to clean my wound in the hotel where we work, and my other friend direct me to the security. So the security will help to clean my fingers. But while they’re cleaning it. They asked me when and where did it happened and this is the part I really hated myself. I lied to them and said that it happened in the hotel. I thought and I think that they will not help me if it didn’t happen in the hotel. And that’s all. I didn’t even now that they will make a statement on it and going to file in the hospital to stitch my hand. It was escalated so and I don’t know what to do. And so the following happens, the ambulance came and takes care of my hand. Then after I go back to the hotel and the h.r was there in the security and rewind the video. And they find out that it didn’t happen in the hotel and I can’t even talk that time because I was so ashamed of myself. I explained myself I was confused and being so selfish that I just want to be healed that time. So they immediately terminated me. So after I return the uniforms I talked to the h.r that I’m sorry for what I’ve done. And it’s my mistake because I lied. And while this scene happened, I met a guy from tinder. His name is Paul, 23, the first time we’ve met is he visit me in our apartment. I liked him from the start because I didn’t know that guy could like a girl like me. He is out of my league. A body is perfect and face, also the attitude. But I’m not a type of conservative person. So something happen to us. We’re lying in our couch hugging him. I didn’t even how to visualize myself with just first time we are doing that thing. And our body heated up so I gave him a blow. Then we talked about what music we like (piercetheveil) but he also like party music which is I’m not a big fan. And he is asking me we should go to the concert in ohio, he also asking me what are my goals in life, what I do at my free time. I told him that I’m an introvert and boring person. I just stay at home, watch movies,t.v and net. So after that incident happened to me in the hotel. I texted him that we cannot see each other. Because, I’m going back to my country within 30days. And that day that I texted him, he was in ohio celebrating his early birthday, and that late night he texted me that he just arrived in florida and wanted to visit me after his early birthday party in ohio. And I felt so special because he is going in my apartment on his birthday and directly from ohio from florida, for me it’s an effort, so he’s in our apartment and he bring two beers. I feel so sad because I didn’t even have any surprise or cooked food for him. Because that day, I’m sad which he didn’t even know of what happened in the hotel. Apparently that’s the day we had the first sex. He told me that I’m pretty, he likes me. But days come by, he texted me again if he can visit my place then I said yes. Then every time he goes to our apartment there is something always happen to us. But we didn’t talk much, and he goes home afterwards. I asked him why you always want to go home early and he said that he is tired from work and need to get ready for tomorrow. So I said ok, and I noticed that he just text me when he just want to have sex. And one day he took me to our apartment and invites me to his house overnight because his parents weren’t there. It was too far from where I live to his place but then. I met his dog and both of us are very quiet that time. And he is busy playing with his dog. (Ilovedogs but he said his dog is different) so I just try to avoid it. Then we go to his room, we just watch movie. Then have sex. Just once, Then in the morning, we didn’t even talked. It hurts me because I really like him. I wait for his texts way back then. But he only initiates when he wants. Also when we are together he said my accent was funny and he corrects my English. It’s okay but I was bit so shy and doesn’t want to talk anymore because I’m afraid that he might laugh at my English. So I just say little. I told him about my feelings that I like him. And he said he feel the same way. But I think it’s not true, his presence is not there. While we are in his house he bakes cookies, and while waiting for that. We go swim. Then afterwards he cooks pasta, then we go to his room and he plays a game to his Xbox. And he let me watch tv. And after, he plays Zelda. And I was there looking at him, rubbing his hair and wishing that moment will never last. Then after he brings me back at home. A day follows. He texted me, if he can visit again. but that day I’m leaving on the following day to my country. And me and my room mates were about to eat dinner outside for my last bond with them. But yeeah. I replied to him that he can come, without saying to him that we will go outside for dinner so he can come with us. So while we are in the restaurant, he asked me if why will I leave early and my friends aren’t leaving. After we eat, and we are about to go home. I told him the incident, and he told me that it’s the dumbest thing you’ve done. I said yes, but I cannot turn back the time. So I need to face the consequences, then I asked him about us. Then he said he like me. But not to the point on having a serious relationship because I’m too far away from America and I understand to what he says that he was hurt back then and been single for years. So (maybe he is afraid to get hurt again) so what are we???I came here in the Philippines and chatted him, but seems doesn’t want to chat me back, he chat backs but his replies are simple. So I stopped chatting him, because I don’t want to force myself to a guy doesn’t want me back. But until now, I think of him a lot. Visits his profile and find out that he’s in relationship, I wish. I could turn back the time. And now, I’m hopeless. I don’t know if can come back again in America. So those who people reading this. I’m sorry if my story wasted your time. It’s okay for you to judge me and give some advice. J Thank you very much! And have a great day. – Asian who meets Western.